!!Annie Leibovitz!!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A Not So Merry Christmas...
Back in 2008 my life changed completely, and would never be the same. I got the phone that ruined my life. My best friend of 6 years Jana, committed suicide hanging herself in a tree in the front lawn. I had never felt my heart get ripped out and smashed everywhere like that before. I had just lost not only my best friend but my sister, my partner in crime, my other half, my wifey! I was never the same again. That year was the hardest year of my life. Consuming myself in drugs and alcohol just to try to cover up the pain I was feeling inside. But nothing helped. I soon found out that the drugs and the alcohol would never bring my Jana back or make things better. And slowly but surely with help from my boyfriend, close friends, my sister and mom I was able to make peace and learned to keep living. I was learning to be happy again. But it didn't last.
On Christmas Day 2011 at 5 a.m in the morning my life changed again. I had just gotten my tonsils out, and was in the worst pain. My mom had been my nurse for the past few weeks, and a great one at that. That Christmas Eve I took my pain medicine and went down stairs and gave my mom a hug and told her "Merry Christmas." Then went back up stairs to try a get some sleep. It was the first night I slept more than 2 hours. I first woke up around 2:30, I felt someone looking at me and heard "I love you," it was clear as day. I replied with "I love you too," and fell back asleep, but still thinking how weird that was. Not long after my mom's dog woke me up. Something didn't feel right, and I got up a walked to my moms' room. All the lights were on and the T.V was loud. My mom always took Ambien and would fall asleep randomly, this happened nearly every night. But that night was different, I looked in her room for her to see where she was. And she was no where. Then I looked into the bathroom and saw all the lights on. I walked in and saw her hand hanging out of the tub. I wasn't even worried at that time, because she had fallen asleep in the tub before. I walked up to her and was little pissed off. But when I looked in the tub I saw no movement. My heart started to race. I saw her head slumped forward, I picked it up. Her nose and mouth had been under water. Her lips were dark blue, blood coming from her nose. I started slapping her checks yelling "MOM! MOM! WAKE UP!" Yet nothing. At that time my head told me she was dead, and my heart didn't want to believe it. I drained the tub, set her head back, ran grabbed the phone dialing 911, and running opening the front door. It was the worst phone call of my life, describing what I found and what happened. I ran back to the bathroom, and I knew I had to try CPR. I pulled her lifeless body flat in the tub and started chest compression's. I heard a noise and I told the dispatcher that there was noise coming from her. But soon after that noise water started coming out of her mouth. I knew it wasn't her making noise, it was the noise of my compression pushing the water out of her lungs. I tilted her head back and gave her mouth to mouth. All I remember was the blood that got all over my face. Before I knew a cop came running in and told me to leave the room. I knew what had happened, my mother died. She took her damn Ambien and drowned in the tub. Just what I had told would happen one day. My body was numb, I felt nothing. No pain, no sadness, no anger. I felt nothing. I sat on the stairs watching the EMTs and the Cops run past me, in slow motioned it looked it. All that kept running through my head was Merry Christmas to me. Then a man walked out of her room, his head was down. And told he needed to talk to me. I looked at him and said "she's dead isn't she." He just stood there looking at me. I yelled at him "TELL ME! I can handle it. I just gave mouth to mouth to my dead mother didn't I?" He just nodded his head yes. At that moment anger ran through my veins. I started punching the walls, putting big holes in them. The cops pulled me back when blood started running down my hand. They sat me down right in-front of the Christmas tree. And I stayed there watching everything unfold. Every now and than looking at the tree and the presents under it, and I felt nothing. The pain I felt with Jana had come back. A pain I thought I only had to endure once. Yet here I was Christmas Day going through it all again.....
Love You Mom!
Love you Jana Banana!
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